I’m the Decider
by Roddy McCorley
I’m the decider. I pick and I choose.
I pick among whats and I choose among whos.
And as I decide each particular day,
The things I decide on all turn out that way.
I decided on Freedom for all of Iraq.
And now that they have it, I’m not looking back.
I decided on tax cuts that just help the wealthy.
And Medicare changes that aren’t really healthy.
And parklands and wetlands, who needs all that stuff?
I decided that none would be more than enough!
I decided that schools all in all are the best
The less that they teach and more that they test.
I decided those wages you need to get by
Are much better spent on some CEO guy.
I decided your Wade, which was versing your Roe
Is terribly awful and just has to go.
I decided that levees are not really needed.
Now when hurricanes come they come unimpeded.
That old Constitution? Well, I have decided
It’s “just goddam paper.” It should be derided.
I’ve decided gay marriage is icky and weird.
Above all other things, it’s the one to be feared.
Yes, I’m the Decider. I know what is best.
Listen only to me and ignore all the rest.
Or I’ll tap your phones and your e-mail I’ll read.
Because I’m the Decider, like Jesus decreed!
Yes, I’m the Decider, so watch what you say
Or I may decide to whisk you away.
Cheney and Rummy and Condi all know
That I’m the Decider. They tell me it’s so.
Yes, I’m the Decider. The finest alive
And I’m nuking Iran. Now watch this drive!
h/t The Daily Kos
And there’s more:
Down by the Pentagon, where the crickle grass grows,
Where for years the insurgents have been in their “last throes”
Old Donald Rumsfeld relaxed and kicked back
And thought of the fine job he’d done in Iraq
But despite Rummy’s feelings of omnipotent might
Lots of people were dying, with no end in sight
So several old generals rose up in rage
And their mad diatribes made it to the front page
All of them wanted poor Rummy to quit
Since ’twas under his watch that Iraq went to shit
But just as old Rummy was about to resign
Bush came along and said “You’re doing just fine!”
He was tallish and oldish and grayish and chimpy
And his face looked cartoonish, like a Ren or a Stimpy
He rolled up his sleeves, slammed the floor with a “bang!”
And then bellowed out in his fake Texas twang:
“I’m the decider! I decide what is best!
And all my decisions, they come Jesus-blessed!
I don’t read the views of the MSM paparazzi
‘Cause I need Rummy’s help stopping Muslamonazis!
“To all you old generals whose anger won’t yield,
Why won’t you think of the troops on the field
They want Rummy to stay, they say that they need him
What’s wrong with you bastards, do y’all just hate freedom?”
And with that all the critics looked shamed and afraid
For providing bin al-Qaeda with comfort and aid
They wept and covered their faces with bags
And said, “We’re sorry for being such traitorous fags!”
h/t Sadly, No!