The Mature, Old Growth Variety

Report: Swelling Hippie Herds Pose Threat To Delicate Freakosystem
December 9, 1998 | Issue 34•19

WASHINGTON, DC–The indigenous North American hippie population has expanded to the point that its teeming herds are endangering the planet’s fragile freakosystem, warned a Department of the Interior report released Monday.

According to the report, over the past 20 years, the wide-ranging, largely migratory hippies have more than tripled in population, insidiously infiltrating nearly every other U.S. subculture while venturing far beyond their natural Vermont and Colorado habitats.

“Due to the species’ lack of predators, willingness to live almost anywhere and rabbit-like breeding habits, the hippie has become the most prevalent feature on the American countercultural landscape,” Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt said. “If we do not soon find a way to thin their herds, they will overwhelm every other subculture on the continent, potentially leading to freakological disaster on a mass global scale.”

Experts say the hippie-related environmental damage has largely been the result of their sheer numbers. Long regarded as a mere nuisance species, the hippies have grown over the past 10 years into one of the most populous in North America, numbering close to 20 million. Further, because of the hippie herds’ normal daily cycle of waking, bongo-playing and large-scale grass consumption, followed by a brief period of torpor and then aggressive nutritive replenishment, their freakological impact is enormous.

“Each summer, the hippie herds migrate north to Boulder, wiping out 80 to 90 percent of the hummus supply of the regions through which they pass,” National Park Service director Roger Kennedy said. “In certain parts of Colorado, by mid-August, the patchouli reservoirs are entirely drained.”

The burgeoning herds–identifiable by their dreadlocked hair, hemp jewelry and distinctive tie-dyed markings–have greatly affected the quality of life of people living in these areas of high hippie concentration.

“They’re everywhere,” said Linda Hewson of Albany, NY. “Last night, when I went to take out the trash, I found one of them foraging through my garbage cans for Dead bootlegs. I shooed it away, but a bunch more came by later scavenging for discarded twirling sticks.”

“My property is overrun with them,” said Vallejo, CA, resident Patrick Davis, who said he is considering moving if the problem gets worse. “They even set up a bead-vending stand in my backyard.”

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